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She is not returning your phone calls. Text messages ignored. Social media blocked. Subtle or outright, she is avoiding you. 

The harsh reality that your relationship is over or on the brink of ending hits you like a freight train. Your stomach churns and your head spins as you yearn for her return. At this point, you no longer think straight, and desperation sets in.

So what do you do next? The second-best thing you can do without direct contact. You reach out to her social circle: friends, parents, siblings, co-workers. Her super chill and empathetic friend. Maybe the cool brother who always kind of liked you. Your buddy dating her friend. 

On the surface, reaching out for their help seems like a rational, good idea. Afterall, you really want to get a message across to her. Then maybe they will convince her to talk to you one last time because this will change everything. Or they will convince her that she is making a huge and terrible mistake. It is your golden opportunity to get that special message to her, so she knows how you really feel, or that you are truly sorry for what you did.

In my upcoming book, I have a do-not-do list of the things for trying to win her back. And one of those is do not “ENLIST”. 

Very simple. Do not Enlist. Do not reach out to her social circle. Why? Because it does not work. I’ve personally been here. My team has been here. The people I’ve coached have been here. If it worked, I would teach it. Or more realistically, I wouldn’t have this platform to begin with. Recruiting her friends and family does not stop your breakup. And odds are, you already tried, and the result wasn’t what you wanted, and likely made matters worse, and it is the reason why you are reading this.

When speaking to clients, I refer to Enlisting as the fool’s gold metaphor. This is because enlisting seems like such a good thing. You truly believe you have gold, until the point you try to cash out. You find out the cost, time, effort, and feel-good feelings invested, is worthless, and it often leaves you worse off.

Why ENLISTING does not work. First off, odds are the family does not want you talking to her and will try to protect her. Her friends will likely tell you to back off. And these events only worsen the situation.

Second, if you successfully enlist someone she knows, keep in mind the following. Your former, or soon-to-be former partner made a choice. A stance. A huge stance. It wasn’t a random or flippant decision. It probably was something she considered for days, weeks, months or even years. Even if you made a big mistake, it was not an easy choice for your partner to make. A lot of emotions poured into this. A lot of thought, effort, and energy went into the decision. And to actually follow through with the choice, required a lot of strength and courage. Breaking up with someone is usually a very hard thing to do. And once done, that huge investment is not easily undone, especially if you don’t have the proper tools when you talk to her.

I’ll get the point across differently with some brutal questions. So now, because you expressed exactly how you feel about her, or how much it makes sense being together, suddenly and magically she is going to give up her stance? Her emotional investment? Hearing that you love her (yet again) is somehow going to change her mind this time? Didn’t she already know you loved her before she decided to dump you? Is she going to fall for, “I’ll never do that again and I’m sorry”? No.

There is a subtle, not so subtle sub-communication going on. When you, or an enlistee, attempt to change her mind, what will she hear? The underlying statement she will hear is, “You are wrong”. There is a sub-text that her choice is wrong. She is wrong for leaving you. Which means you are completely invalidating her conclusion, which, remember, was not an easy choice. 

So even if you win that argument, is she going to change her mind because you convinced her she is wrong? Is making someone wrong an act of love? More than anything, you are further convincing her that her choice was the right choice because you are disagreeing with her and making her wrong. You are doing more of the same thing that made her decide to leave you to begin with. It’s like those finger traps you probably played with as a child, the more you pull your fingers apart to break free, the tighter the toy gets, and the more stuck you become. The more you Enlist and try to convince her to come back to you, the more you reinforce that she made the right decision to break up.

Of course, you may be asking, “well if I can’t talk to her, how am I going to win her back?” Valid question. What we teach will get her to come to you of her own will and volition. We equip you with powerful tools that get her coming back to you.

Keep in mind, some of the powerful things we teach are what not to do. “Enlisting” being just one on the not-to-do list. The list is comprised of things virtually all guys do to stop their breakup. While these feel very natural and organic, they simply are not effective, do not work, and worse yet, actually work against you. I’ve seen plenty of guys take on the not-to-do list and succeed. But the most powerful thing we teach is what to do so she wants you back, and you can Stop Your Breakup.